Transparency, An Internal Battle

Yesterday and today have been really tough emotionally.  I promised I'd be transparent.  There's an internal battle waging within me.

So many days I try to be encouraging, and some days, I just am weary.  I am discouraged.  Most people just can't understand our life and the stresses.   The constant manual syringe feeds, ensuring Nathan gets his hydration for his kidneys, creams for his skin, infusions, doctors visits, food logs.  The routine, the fears that your child will get sick again, or have another side effect from the chemo. Every cough puts you on edge. Keeping on top of the bills, battling the insurance company when stuff gets denied, working full time, somehow trying to keep the house clean (which usually is last on the list), trying to be a wife, trying to be a good mom, and cooking (which we end up eating out way more than I like).

Maybe part of the reason I'm having a hard time is on some level it was rejection. . .you let someone into your home, and life, and were judged. I know our lives are chaotic, I know that I am not always on top of things. With work, its hard to keep on top of the house. Emotionally some days are so hard.  There are a lot of things that I do not do well some days. . .iclude being a Mom.

I hate having to leave my boys. But when I'm here, sometimes I get so stressed I have to kind of zone out. People don't understand our life, but are quick to judge. At least that's how it feels. Things may be better than they were, but I can get so sleep deprived, so stressed beyond anything my body can comprehend, I don't feel anything. Inside I am still not the same. I know I am not always the best Mom. I feel like I am failing in so many areas. . .   Add it to the list.

I argue with myself. . . I should remain steadfast.  Look at how Paul praised God in the midst of his trials.  I am trying.  Just sometimes my heart hurts so bad, the pain so intense that everything else feels so far away.  I feel so alone.  But the Lord should be the one to fill my cup.  

Please do not think that I am not grateful.  The Lord is so good to have blessed us beyond what we deserve.  Just some days are hard.  It is a grieving process.  From the moment Nathan was diagnosed, nothing in our life will ever be the same.  My friendships are not the same, work is not the same, my marriage is not the same, my relationship with Isaac has changed forever.  People want to relate but its hard, I feel alone.

But in the midst of my pain the Lord is still there.  He hears me crying out to Him, my tears are not unnoticed by Him.   I don't debate on whether or not He's there.  I don't ask Him to take my burden away.  God's plan is perfect, this is His will for me.  But there have been days where the pain was too much to bear I asked for a new day.  Today I am trying to focus on the goodness  of the Lord and who I am in Him.  It's tough.  Focus on the truth:


The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Deuteronomy 31:8

No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Joshua 1:5