Forever Changed

Merry Christmas.   I hope everyone had a blessed holiday.  It has been a busy week.  We traveled to St. Louis for Christmas to be with my family.   We all enjoyed spending time with them.  I miss them so much.  My boys love their Grandma and Papa, Aunts, Uncles and cousins.  Another thing I love about St. Louis (besides the Cardinals), I got my White Castles.

Nathan is still pretty congested, but at least he isn't throwing up as much.  I did not feel well at all over the holiday, but I am starting to feel better.  We are finally back home.  Nathan has been so cute to watch.  He tries to jump, but he can't get off the ground.  He sways back and forth whenever he hears music.  He actually said "Night Night".

My little Isaac turned four.  He is getting so big.  He is amazing on the computer.  He talks like he is a lot older.  He is so smart for his age.  I know everyone says that about their kid, but he has had to grow up really fast.  He told Grandma yesterday, "Nathan does not eat.  He has to be fed with a tube."  He will ask me, "Mommy, is it time for Nathan to get another bolus?"  A word he should never have to know.  My heart grieves for him.  He used to be mommy's little boy.  When Nathan was diagnosed he was ripped away from me, forever changing our relationship.  Overnight, his mommy wasn't there anymore.  I wasn't a part of the bedtime routine.  I missed reading him books, and going on walks.  I missed the new words, new adventures and being a part of his life.  The months spent in and out of the hospital did not help.  I was away from my precious boy for ten months.  He would ask, "Mommy, when are we going to be a family again?"

In the weeks leading up to Nathan being born, I just knew.   Shawn and I did so many special things with Isaac.  I relished every moment.  We took him on nature walks, the swimming pool, feeding the bison.  I knew everything was about to change.  I would have no idea how much.  I knew it would hurt, but I don't think anything can prepare you for it to hurt this bad. 

I am home now, but it is not the same.  When Nathan got home, Shawn wasn't as comfortable with Nathan's routine.  It was a lot of work, and it was defaulted to me.  So even though I was there, Isaac's needs would be put on hold.

The little boy that could not leave his mother's side, my son that would cry if I left the room, doesn't want me in the room. He is mean to me.  He tells me to go away, he says he doesn't love me.  Oh, how my heart breaks.  All he wants is his Daddy, he cries if he has to be with me.  I know part of it is him growing up, but it's not all of it.  Another reminder of how Nathan's illness forever changed our lives.  Nathan may be getting better, but things will never be the way they were.

I am supposed to act like everything is okay.  The whole world goes on, but no one knows the struggles.  They say how good Nathan looks, but there is a constant fear that something else will happen.  The chemo can have delayed effects, and each new symptom scares us to death.  The effects this journey has had on Isaac, on me, on Shawn, and our marriage are real.  They are still there.  We are doing our best to heal, but I'd be lying if I said it was easy, or that it didn't hurt.
 
Please pray with me for my relationship with Isaac.  Pray for God to give me the wisdom on when to give him choices and when to be firm.  Pray for me to know how to love my son, and for him to love me back.  Pray for my broken heart.

The Lord knows my heart and I must not run from Him, but to Him. . . .  Lord, I know my hope comes from you.  You know my heart is hurting.  God give me wisdom.  Father, I need your peace.  I can not do this on my own.  I could not have gotten this far without you.  You have the power to make all things new, life comes from you.  The world was created by your spoken word.   Lord I humbly ask you to heal me grieve, help me heal, show me what I should do to be a Godly mother, and wife.  It is in You that I have hope.  You are my rock and I will not be shaken . . . .
 
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 
Matthew 11:28

 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 
Romans 12:12