Obedience

Often I want to post, but by the time I get the boys in bed I am too tired.  I am determined tonight. 

It has been an up and down couple weeks at the Walkers.  Isaac and I were sick, then Nathan and Shawn.  Nathan threw up a lot while he was sick because of the mucus. Then Isaac got croup.

We have decreased Nathan's night time feeds in preparation for the feeding clinic.  We are working on different things to help strengthen his chewing muscles.  He probably won't eat until they decrease the pediasure.  Everything else with Nathan is pretty good.  We have many creams to constantly maintain his eczema.  I have started doing his weekly IVIG treatments.  It still makes me nauseous, but I am doing it.   I am so blessed by my boys.  Nathan is so mobile.  They are both so smart.  They are full of action from the moment they wake up.


Our journey is still not over, and God continues to work in me.  This journey is not about Nathan, me, our family, or his illness.  It is about God.  It is about who He is, and who He continues to reveal Himself to be.  It is about what Christ did for us.  It is about who we are, because of what He did.
God is using Nathan to reach so many people.  Even when I have failed at delivering the message, God has still been faithful.  God continues to answer prayers.

I promise over the next months, I will post the scriptures that God laid on my heart, that were posted in Nathan's hospital room.   It was a hard lesson to learn that the joy of the Lord is a gift.  It is always there but we must accept it.  What does it truly mean to be joyful, which doesn't mean that I am always happy.  It was a lesson in hope.  It was experiencing the hope we have in the Lord. And there is so much more. 

I haven't shared much about the emotional toll this has taken on me personally.  It affected Shawn differently.  I did not feel any feelings for a long time.  I realized it when I was in the hospital and had all the physical symptoms of an anxiety attack, but felt nothing.   It's your body's way of surviving when it is too much to handle. It is strange to me because I am normally a very emotional, expressive person.  I felt (feel) guilty.  When someone would do something kind for us, I know I was thankful, but I did not feel the emotion.   It has affected my relationships, and my relationship with God.  Part of me wants to feel more, the other part of me is glad I don't.  I am starting to feel more now.  Unfortunately it is harder to feel the positive emotions than the negative ones. 

But through this God is teaching me an incredible lesson in obedience.  Your feelings can't be trusted.  Your feelings should not determine your actions.  Often we must do things out of obedience, not because we feel like doing it.  It has taught me love is not an emotion, but an act of obedience.  Its about selflessly serving even when you don't feel like it.  Its not about me, or how I feel.  I have failed at this so many times, but I am trying.  It is a daily struggle.

". . .what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul."
Deuteronomy 10:12

"And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.:"
2 John 1:6